I really don’t know what to say. And it’s not just here. I’m lacking a lot more than words lately. Motivation. Belief. Energy. I’ve been feeling rather defeated. And surprise surprise, really sick and panicky.
I need to write this out. I need to figure it out. I’m trying to feel out what I’m missing, and what I’m yearning for.
One of those things is certainly the sun. It was a lot easier to feel free and bright and inspired when it was sunny and warm. Not to play the “victim to my circumstances” role too much, but to say I’m looking forward to summer (or actual spring) is an understatement. So there’s that. It was easier to feel those things and get more fresh air when it could be done in flip-flops and a bikini. But just because it’s not easy now, doesn’t mean I get to throw in the (beach) towel. It’s still my responsibility to find ways to give myself what I need. One way I’ve been doing this is by making an effort to walk the pups. Putting effort into becoming a pack leader is very mindful work. It gets me out in the fresh air. And, I can wear my flip-flops if I really want to.
One thing I have been keeping up (which is probably the reason why I’m not just lying in a lump) is my sleep, yoga, gym, and eating relatively well (though this could use more improvement). What I’ve lost grip of is meditation, writing, and reading. And, I think, adequate challenge, fun, newness, and creativity.
The thing is, even though I know that, when I think of doing those things, I feel blehhhhhhh. It’s hard to find the motivation to do them. An inner battle between restlessness and defeat.
And it’s the same with business. I keep trying to figure out my way forward, yet simultaneously believing all roads are dead ends and fighting the urge to just pull over instead. I feel a loss of control over where I’m driving, a loss of belief that my actions will lead me where I want. It’s hard to put effort and enthusiasm into things when you feel that way. I know one of the biggest things I probably need in this front is a change in mindset. So far, I just feel stuck in a car that breaks down no matter how many times I fix it (ironically the same as my actual car).
A way forward from here.
A phrase I often use with clients – “Given that this is your reality, where do you want to go from here? How can you move forward from here?”
I know this is my reality. I’m not ashamed that I’m here and I’m not hiding it (clearly). I’m accepting that this is how I feel, this is what I’m doing and not doing. I also refuse to stay here.
Finding a way forward is a must. My coach-mind kicks in and tells me I know what I need to do. And that I need to commit to doing it.
Gratitude practice to help switch my mindset. Appreciation for what I’ve already accomplished. Meditation practice (even when I don’t want to), to help ground myself and connect to inner self to keep me more mindful and centered.
Intentionally bringing energy and enthusiasm into my daily life – in small things to start (like cooking supper or how I greet people) to increase joy and enthusiasm for life itself (to later apply to business). Seek out new things to try (flavours, activities, routes, etc) to switch it up and get my mind out of the funk it’s in, to increase sense of aliveness and possibility.
To keep fucking writing even though I won’t like what it says.
To take it all as feedback, and feel it, to keep finding my way forward.
To remind myself that committing to doing it means “not feeling like it” is just something to notice – not something to (not) act on.
Maybe walking on wet gravel in flip-flops is how I get my grit back 😛