It’s been awhile since I’ve written and I’ve been feeling awfully guilty about it.
Now I’m in the Delicious Coast (aka Costa Rica) and I anticipate a lot of thoughts making it to printed words while I’m here. So for those of you who have missed reading posts, you’ll now have the opposite problem of it being too much 😛
It’s my first day here, living out my dream of escaping winter. A part of my ideal lifestyle I dreamed up last year. As I was sitting on my porch sipping delicious Costa Rican coffee this morning, looking out over the mountains – enthralled with the sights of massive trees and sounds of birds I can’t identify – I found myself feeling dread anticipating tackling work goals. Prior to this trip I had made a plan to tackle a big work project during my getaway in the sun. Something I was excited to work on and would have lots of time to dedicate to it. However, this morning, I didn’t want to even think about the pending work. I found myself judging this – how could I have all this time and not be productive? And yet, my heart was yanking me back to this desire and yearning to use this space and time to just be, to delve deeper into myself and grow my being – instead of my business.
Since making the commitment to self-love and compassion, I am switching the default response from judging to one of compassionately listening and providing. Providing for my needs and wants with an acceptance that they matter and I deserve to have them.
This played out this morning in a decision to free myself of expectation for this trip. Sure, I have a work goal and if I feel like it’s something I want to work on – I will. And if I feel like meditating all day and focusing solely on connecting more with my inner being – then I will do that. What I realized is that I want to be present to the moment – not driven by a predetermined script (even if it’s one I wrote myself). There’s no telling how I’ll feel tomorrow or next week. Perhaps I only feel repulsed by a lot of computer work because it’s my very first day in paradise. Maybe after some time to enjoy this wonderful weather and space I won’t feel so caged by the idea. I’m not making a decision to throw out my business plan; I’m making the decision to listen to what I want and need day by day, and be open to whatever this opportunity brings. To rid myself of judgment and trust.
This perspective has also changed the way I’ve been feeling about writing. It’s easy to see my lack of words as a bad thing because I know writing is good for me. When I write, it feeds my soul. But it got me thinking. Does the pure absence of doing something beneficial automatically make it bad? Does the fact that when I write I enjoy it, automatically mean when I don’t write it is necessarily a bad thing? I used to think so.. but now I’m not so sure.
Knowing what is beneficial to my wellbeing has helped me immensely when it comes to making sure I am taking care of myself and is extremely helpful when I’m feeling unwell and figuring out how to get back on track. However, when I’m feeling well and doing lots to feed my soul, mind, and body – what is the purpose of creating negativity just because I’m not doing EVERYTHING I know to be “good”? And by judging myself and loading a guilt trip on this activity, I’m not only practicing anti-wellness, I’m also robbing the association of joy I had with that activity.
It’s the whole black and white game playing out in a different arena. Are these activities necessarily good or bad? Does our behaviour have to be one or the other? Can I love to plan and also despise having a plan? We all know any activity can be used in a healthy way or an unhealthy way, depending on the reason you are doing it. Does this not prove in itself that nothing is purely good or bad? That we aren’t doing something right or wrong – we are just doing.
Embracing the glorious grey – or perhaps, not even naming a colour at all. What difference would this make to how you view yourself? How would your self talk change if it didn’t contain the words good and bad? How would your compassion grow for others and yourself if things and behaviours could be instead of being judged?
What about your feelings? If feelings can just be feelings. If all feelings are okay. Not bad or good. They just are. How many different (supposedly opposing) feelings would come up if there wasn’t a label to limit them? What would you allow yourself to feel and lean into if it didn’t have to mean anything?
“Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” Rumi