Nothing is familiar, comfortable, or effortless right now. Sometimes I wake up and I’m really not sure who’s life I’m in.
I feel so unsettled, overwhelmed. Then again, I am unsettled. So much is new and uncertain. Maybe it’s okay to feel unsettled and overwhelmed.
I’ve lost my house, my husband, my kitties, family, financial security. I live in a new place. I need GPS to get home. I’ve lost all of my routines. I don’t even know how to grocery shop anymore. And it’s not like my business life is old and familiar – I’m still finding my footing there. I feel like I don’t have my footing anywhere right now.
All at once. My life isn’t ‘my life’ anymore. And yet, it’s only my life. More my life than it has ever been.
I have a sense I’m on the right path – but I feel lost. Lost in the right direction?
Change is hard. New things are unsettling. I think craving the comfort of familiarity is normal – especially for someone who gets so caught in the comfort of habit that once I finish a TV series I usually just start it again. It’s safe to say I live most of my life right now outside of my comfort zone.
So many new ways of doing things to learn. So many things to figure out.
So free it’s destabilizing.
I guess it’s a good thing you don’t need to count on balance when you can fly.
Something I’ve noticed is that by removing all realm of routine and normalcy in life, it creates an opportunity to really pay attention to what I want to do. Because nothing is a given, everything becomes an intentional, mindful decision. Everything from ‘what should I do with my life’ to ‘what brand of butter do I buy’. An opportunity to create habits based on what I truly want to be.
Exercising, eating healthy, being tidy, joining a boxing gym. So far I’ve found it’s not that hard to do. Without having to change an existing habit, the change in behaviour doesn’t feel like a struggle. It’s like I’m starting from scratch because so much of my life isn’t ‘normal’ -I’m not trying to change things, I’m just building new things from a blank slate. I guess it’s an upside to having your world turned ass up. I could do a lot with this if I try.. and I am trying.
It’s taking a constant stream of courage and strength, and an exhausting amount of effort.
And yet, I know – I can do hard things. Doing hard things is kind of my thing.