The sadness was right there. I could see it reflected back at me. Do you really care that much about me? Why does that hurt so much?
That makes me want to cry.. When am I going to let that go and let things make me cry – instead of this aching want for something I never allow to happen?
I use my eyes to hide. And I do it really well. I pull away – I pull inside. Away from you. Away from anyone. Away from everything I truly want. Connection. Comfort.
I want it – my mind tells me I want it too much. That I can’t want it that much and if I do I shouldn’t get it because it can’t be healthy, or right, or fair to others.
Fucking eye contact. It might be a huge key for me. It’s so hard to not look away. I’m not just being dramatic here – it’s really fucking hard for me.
There’s so much there. And I know it. I have so much in my eyes – it feels like a burden to let people see the intensity. The sadness. The pain. The anger. The hurt. The power.
Expressing myself through the written word is powerful – but it is controllable. Very controllable. My eyes have no such control. There are no barriers if I hold your gaze. My only option of control, of filters, of barriers, is to pull away. Hide behind my eyelids.
My eyes are what I’m missing. And they terrify me.
I can’t protect you from what you see. I can’t protect me from your response. I have no control when I give you my eyes – the only control being how long I give them to you. I let people glimpse this inner world. I let myself get moments of care and comfort and acknowledgement of what’s inside. But then I pull away.
I can’t have more even if I want it. It’s risky. It’s needy. It’s hurtful. It’s burdening those you look at. I don’t deserve to be seen like this. Not so raw. Not so direct. Not without barriers. Not without my filter. Not without protection.
I write authentically. I express the raw to be read on your terms. I choose when to read your comments on those words, on my inner world. I get to put up my own filters of what you say and what it means. I get to let it be something without it having to be something between us. And I can guarantee if you talk to me about the words you read in person, I won’t be looking at you.
It’s much harder to deny your sense of genuine care and connection when you’re looking into my eyes. When I can see it in your eyes.
I’m so guarded. And I hate it. I’m not even sure others would see me that way – because I am very open in one sense, I’m authentic and I share a lot. But when it comes to taking that connection in, or expressing the emotion, even sitting with the good feelings – I am so guarded in letting them in or letting the emotions in me out. So destructively guarded.
That voice – you don’t deserve it. It’s not okay to hold that or own it. It’s not safe.
Love, belonging, connection – give it away like nothing, but don’t let it in.
It’s time to break these barriers and know what it truly feels like to be connected.
I know I need to do this. However difficult. However much pain may be waiting on the other side. I believe it’s the biggest thing that holds me back, inside and out.
So, if I just decide that I’m going to try to get my needs met – just say fuck whatever pain will come and fuck what it says about me – and fuck what I may feel or think as a result of actually letting someone in. If I say fuck the barriers and fuck what happens out in this place I’ve never allowed myself to go.
It’s time to stop hiding. I must will myself to stay there – completely vulnerable and unprotected in this vast field of corneas – and see what happens when I don’t go away.