A Dragon in Ashes

“I can’t breathe…and yet, I am breathing.”  Dec 20th, 4am

I don’t regret us. I have a lot of pain, sadness, and anger over us but I also hold love, comfort, and laughter. I know I played an unhealthy role in our relationship for a very long time – I wasn’t healthy enough to be anything else. We weren’t good for each other, but we fit so well we couldn’t have noticed. We were what we needed- or what we thought we needed. We didn’t know any better. We knew we loved each other – and that seemed like everything. But it wasn’t. And now I know this. I see myself with much more worth now than I had ever seen before. I found my feet, my strength, my voice. I found my wings.

I can see things a lot differently up here.

And once I saw, I couldn’t go back. I tried, but I couldn’t.

I almost cut off my wings – because I love you. I stood there in a war with myself. Because I don’t want to hurt you. Because it kills me to hurt people I love. Because it’s easier to go back than to figure out a way forward. Because it terrifies me to stand up for my worth and what I know. Because I don’t want to break my own heart.

But I couldn’t do it. I dropped the knife, sobbing, and started walking. I kept walking until my heart throbbed with a new knowing of how much I need to fly. A commitment like nothing before. A promise.

And here I am – A dragon in ashes.

My life in ashes.

Standing in the aftermath. The damage of what I did. Rubble formed by fire from my mouth. My life – overwhelmingly shattered to pieces. Reduced to ash.

So much loss, all at once. And here I stand covered with ashes, in tears. Standing.

I know I had to. Even though I’m left with ashes. Even though I hurt people I love with all of my heart. Even though the pain of what I’ve lost takes my breath away. Even though I broke my own heart. I had to.

I turned it to ashes to save myself. To free myself. To fly.

 

4 thoughts on “A Dragon in Ashes”

  1. I am so proud of you for finding your wings…..allowing yourself to stand ready to fly into the unknown. So courageous and brave in the midst of loss, pain and grief. I am holding you in my heart Mindful Dragon!

  2. The courage you displayed in walking away instead of cutting off your own wings is not something that comes from outside, it is the type of courage that can only come from within. It comes from our deepest knowing and love for ourself and others because we all deserve to be healthy and fly!

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