“I can’t breathe…and yet, I am breathing.” Dec 20th, 4am
I don’t regret us. I have a lot of pain, sadness, and anger over us but I also hold love, comfort, and laughter. I know I played an unhealthy role in our relationship for a very long time – I wasn’t healthy enough to be anything else. We weren’t good for each other, but we fit so well we couldn’t have noticed. We were what we needed- or what we thought we needed. We didn’t know any better. We knew we loved each other – and that seemed like everything. But it wasn’t. And now I know this. I see myself with much more worth now than I had ever seen before. I found my feet, my strength, my voice. I found my wings.
I can see things a lot differently up here.
And once I saw, I couldn’t go back. I tried, but I couldn’t.
I almost cut off my wings – because I love you. I stood there in a war with myself. Because I don’t want to hurt you. Because it kills me to hurt people I love. Because it’s easier to go back than to figure out a way forward. Because it terrifies me to stand up for my worth and what I know. Because I don’t want to break my own heart.
But I couldn’t do it. I dropped the knife, sobbing, and started walking. I kept walking until my heart throbbed with a new knowing of how much I need to fly. A commitment like nothing before. A promise.
And here I am – A dragon in ashes.
My life in ashes.
Standing in the aftermath. The damage of what I did. Rubble formed by fire from my mouth. My life – overwhelmingly shattered to pieces. Reduced to ash.
So much loss, all at once. And here I stand covered with ashes, in tears. Standing.
I know I had to. Even though I’m left with ashes. Even though I hurt people I love with all of my heart. Even though the pain of what I’ve lost takes my breath away. Even though I broke my own heart. I had to.
I turned it to ashes to save myself. To free myself. To fly.