The unrealistic, yet ever present, desire for instant results.
I feel this as my pulse becomes rapid and my breath becomes shallow. I feel this as a rush of thoughts that flood my mind that nothing is different, that I’ve failed. I feel it as an overwhelming feeling of panic and disappointment as I try to figure out how I can do everything – yesterday.
All of these extreme feelings and thoughts and judgments, when it’s actually been less than two days since I finished my job. Not even a full weekend has gone by and I’m freaking out that I’ve failed at this new life.
I hear the ridiculousness. I see the irrational thoughts and judgments. Yet, I still feel them as if they are the truth. It takes a lot of effort and mindfulness to see them for what they are, let them be there, and not get pulled down by them. To acknowledge with gentleness. And then when I do see it, not to beat myself up for being ridiculous.
It’s understandable this pull that we should be there the moment we start. I’m starting to hear these feelings and thoughts as annoying kids in the backseat whining out every few minutes “Are we there yet?!?!” (yes, in the whiny cringe-worthy voice you just heard in your head).
The responsible adult in the driver seat knows it takes time to get there. They know it isn’t realistic to expect to be there. They even find themselves frustrated with those kids incessantly asking for something so unreasonable. And yet, no amount of convincing will make those kids not want to be there now. All they know is that they just want to be there, so anything that’s not there is intolerable.
I get it head, I do. I get it you unrealistic parts of me that just want to get the fuck on with this. But I am also the adult. And I will try to bring compassion to both, try to understand where they are coming from without letting those voices convince me something is terribly wrong because we aren’t there yet. I have to keep reminding myself of what I know. Lay down the judgement, listen for feedback. Let the kids complain, but keep myself focused on the road in front of me. Know I’m headed in the right direction. It just takes time.
And if that doesn’t work, I’m getting earplugs.