See me, but don’t look. Hear me, but don’t listen.

I have always found it easier to express my feelings through the written word. When I was six years old I left my Dad this note on his computer keyboard. I don’t remember why I was mad, but I do remember sitting at my desk trying to sound out the spelling.. “ss..t..ooo..p..ed”. 

dad

 

I was always quiet about what was going on inside me, but I wrote about it constantly. My journals from when I was little contain hilarious anecdotes about how I was struggling to overcome a bad habit of saying “I love you” too much, philosophical questions about life, and explaining the odd uncomfortable feeling of having stories stuck inside my head (I was convinced that I was destined to be an author). When I got older I kept writing; I’m sure one of the reasons I survived my adolescence was due to my obsessive poem writing. All of those journals have since been burned, but I still know what they said.

tongue

I have found it interesting to look back on my writing and see the hidden (or not so hidden) messages that the words carry with them. With the awareness I have now, I can actually pick out evidence of survival maps and my old stories within the misspelled messy text of a little girl who pretended her dolls were real and got excited over crust-less sandwiches. 

afraid

For the most part I kept all of my feelings to myself growing up; however, when I did have the courage to connect and share these feelings with others, I did so by sharing something I wrote. Either a note I wrote to them or a poem from one of my journals. Written words have always been my portal to connect with others…and that was even before the wonderful invention of text messaging ;).

hands

Sharing, even with the distance paper created, didn’t always prove to be safe. I took in that lesson deeply, and for years I kept my writing secret and my conversations quiet. Over the last year I have made leaps and bounds when it has come to being open to sharing my inner world. I’ve done this, again, through writing. What I have found lately is the better I get with sharing my thoughts and feelings through writing, the greater the divide becomes between who I am here and who I am in person. 

opencan

I write confidently and authentically. I own my emotions on the page and share them openly.

In person I crumble.

I write bravely, while I speak timidly. I write truthfully, while I censor my speech.

tellyou

I think writing will always be where I feel the most comfortable and strongest when it comes to expressing myself, but writing alone is not good enough anymore. I want to have that strength and openness in my face to face interactions. I want to connect when we can truly connect. I want to be able to connect to my emotions while looking you in the eye. I know the strong & healthy part of me wants this, but even writing it makes me cringe and want to hide.

relentlessIt’s an ongoing struggle of “See me, but don’t look. Hear me, but don’t listen.” I can tell it will be a long battle, and I’m up to the task… but I’m sure there will be many more notes left along the way – at least my spelling has improved since 1992. 😛

 

11 thoughts on “See me, but don’t look. Hear me, but don’t listen.”

  1. I love it! Writing alone not good enough anymore. I love your writing. I love your authenticity and truth. I also love when you see and are seen, hear and are heard! You are one BRAVE Mindful Dragon!

  2. I love it–writing alone is not good enough! I love the strength, authenticity and truth in your writing and I love your taking it to the next level–speaking authenticity and truth. 👁 To 👁 , face to face. So very BRAVE!

  3. I think (no scratch that) !! I can attest that everyone reading your blog feels honored to see your authenticity through your words. I love getting the email that lets me know you have written more beautiful script for us to read, take in, then live our own lives by. We also get to see you blossoming before our eyes and that is something to watch. I meditated, this morning, for the first time ever.

  4. I continue to be inspired by your courage and willingness to share your journey, honour your gifts and share them with the world. It is wonderful you are becoming dis-satisfied with writing alone, although you do it very well. It is exciting because it sounds like your discomfort is your body and mind preparing for your next courageous moment where you will risk it all and dare to be seen…in person!

    1. Thank you ILM ❤ Risk it all and dare to be seen.. in person – gives me chills of excitement and fear all at the same time. Good thing someone has taught me to embrace the world of mixed feelings 😉

  5. It seems like writing boldly could be a stepping stone to speaking with more and more confidence. Like the words in your head are continually flooded with confidence and that timid dialogue slowly fades. So writing could be a great springboard to speaking your mind. Thanks for sharing once again. I think it’s fair to say that all of us have a big blend of different things happening within us. Sometimes I’m at ease in front of a crowd of 1000 and the next day I can hardly fathom the smallest task of putting myself out there. So just because both fierceness and timidness are present doesn’t mean that one needs to take a stronghold in order to categorize yourself. You can authentically be both at times. Thanks for inciting reflection.

    1. Thank you Erin! I like how you point out the dichotomy of fierceness and timidness and how really it is not one or the other; the real truth is to accept the role that both play in who we are, and ‘be authentically both’. Love it <3 Thank you for the insight!

  6. This is beautiful and I can connect with it in so many ways. Thank you for being so honest. I know I will always feel more comfortable writing, but I need to find the strength to use my words (and not mask them in humour and putting myself down) to communicate in so many situations where writing is just not possible!
    Thank you.

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