No, I’m not ready for Christmas.

And I’ve never meant that more.

Sure, there’s shopping left to do and gifts to wrap, but that’s not even the half of it.

I know that even when I put the last piece of tape on the final present (.. I don’t say bow because my craft skills are so limited they can’t even exist in the hypothetical), there’s going to be a part of me that still won’t feel ready for this.

fragile

Life is fragile. Although it’s always technically true, it vibrates in my heart this year like a second heartbeat. This is an important Christmas; for my family and for my husband’s, and there’s so much I wish I could do, but even Santa can’t make my wishes come true.

I can’t make their illnesses go away. I can’t get my Mom back. I can’t stop her from disappearing from us. I can’t give my Dad (FIL) more time. I can’t be two places at once. I can’t stop the guilt. I can’t make it easier. I can’t stop the disappointment that I’m not watching my own kids open presents. I can’t stop the guilt I have about not making my Dad a Poppy. I can’t stop the sadness. I can’t stop time.

This is hard. This is going to be a hard Christmas.

I’m going to have to sit with this. Make peace with the chaos that will be there. Accept the pain that is inevitable. Accept that there’s no way to make this perfect, or even okay.

stronger

Accept that it will be painful. There will be guilt. There will be sadness. There will be joy. There will be frustration. There will be mounds and mounds of love. And I’m committed to feeling all of it.

Taking it one breath at a time. I won’t just let it happen to me, I will intently live every moment of this Christmas with whoever I’m with at the time. I will feel whatever is there, without judgement (and when there is inevitable judgement I will try to let that be there and hold some compassion). This is my goal for Christmas. It’s a huge undertaking, but it is doable. Making the most of it, knowing it will never be enough, and just letting it be.

play

I can be authentic. I can be compassionate. I can take make every opportunity to fiercely love everyone around me. I can be present and mindful. I can make space for the grief and sadness, as well as the joy and love. I can hold them. I can soak up every moment. I can laugh and cry with them. I can accept that pain and sadness and frustration and guilt will be a part of my Christmas. I can take advantage of every moment I have. I can make a conscious choice to be all in. I can live my values. I can give as much love as humanly (or dragon-ly) possible.

I can live the hell out of this Christmas, even though I still wish I was holding different cards.

8 thoughts on “No, I’m not ready for Christmas.”

  1. This is such a Raw post! So much fire and determination. I don’t know how to describe what I’m thinking, perhaps just that your post reminds me of a lyrical rant, that spirals out your message. With all that is going on, it looks like your facing it head on. Looking straight at it and deciding not to look away, but instead living it as much as you can. Very dragon like!

    1. Seashores, Thank you for reading! I love how you said “lyrical rant that spirals out your message” – it brought a huge smile to my face because this post was pretty much the rant inside my head written out. Glad the message got out among the ranting 😉

  2. Sending love! Beautifully written, makes my heart hurt. It’s going to be a different Christmas this year for sure. ” the only thing constant in life is change”, keeps coming to mind. ❤

    1. Lindsay, How true that is about change, life demands us to be adaptive as change is inevitable. It also makes me think of “Change doesn’t care if you’re ready”. Thank you so much for reading and sending love. Much love to you ❤

  3. Know that there will be so much love sent your way this Christmas…from all of us. No matter where we all are, in one way or another we will be with you and you will all be surrounded by our thoughts and love. Enjoy this Christmas…not for what is to come but for the moments that are. Like you said live for every special moment this Christmas. With all our love!

  4. I’m sitting her in my office reading your post with tears running down my eyes, you are such a special person and we are all very lucky to have you in our lives. Yes, we will all enjoy this Christmas with our hearts open wide, so that it’s memories will last us our lifetimes, as Christmas’s of our youth have done! Love you all!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *