The Inner Bully, the scared shitless Little Girl; these characters appear so often their arrival is nothing special. They are the regulars in my inner dialogue. What I’ve noticed lately though is that there’s another character that’s appeared on the scene, almost without my noticing. The Inner Dragon, my strong and healthy self, is a character that usually takes a lot of effort to bring onto the scene. It’s usually a deliberate, conscious decision to try to coax the dragon out of it’s den to counter an inner bully rant or comfort the little girl who’s in the midst of losing it. However, lately there have been moments where the default voice in my head has actually been the dragon.
It isn’t always during monumental moments. This past weekend I attended a dance workshop and I was nervous to participate in this highly improvised environment with others who clearly deserved to be there more than myself (according to my inner bully at least 😛). After one mini performance I heard encouragement and approval from within, a voice actually saying “Good job!”. A healthy, proud response to myself coming from MY head? Clearly my mind had been hijacked. It didn’t last too long before the bully chimed in and reprimanded me for having a positive thought about myself – but the first response, the FIRST, DEFAULT response was a positive one! The DRAGON was heard first. Reflecting on this now, I feel like my hard work over the past year is really starting to pay off, and simply put, it feels awesome.
I find the dragon voice coming through in other ways too. With all the difficult situations that are coming up in my life lately, the dragon has actually been the primary voice I’ve been hearing. Don’t get me wrong, the little girl has her moments and the inner bully can still be relentless, but the dragon is also on scene most of the time. I hear a voice within, declaring with quiet determination, “It’s hard. It’s impossible. You’ve got this.”
I can’t tell you how meaningful it is to me to be able to keep this strength and power, even when life is chaotic and difficult, and giving me every reason to break down. I still get overwhelmed, doubt myself, and wish for different circumstances.. but beneath it all, despite it all, I’ve realized I now have this unshakeable belief in my own resilience. “I’m standing my ground, while the earth shakes”. (Mary Lambert; Assembly Line)
Over the last year the voice of the dragon has gone from a guest star (who I’d have to pay big bucks just to show up for a 5 minute part) to a regular who’s starting to steal the show. I never would have imagined this a year ago; it was hard work and it continues to be hard work, but wow is it worth it. To all the aspiring actors and actresses in all of you, I repeat…
“It’s hard. It’s impossible. You’ve got this.”