To Go or Not To Go

..that is the question that has been plaguing my psyche for weeks now.

flyfall

A few months back I discovered a three day dance/creativity workshop retreat. It takes place at the end of this month, a 12 hour drive away from here in another country. When I discovered the retreat my heart leapt out of my chest with excitement. I was intrigued and energized about the possibility of going. The idea of driving there alone, finding places to stay, experiencing the workshops and people put this huge dumb smile on my face. It felt right.

travel

The closer it gets the more that sense of “right” is turning into uncertainty, excitement into fear, and intrigue into wishing my passport would magically expire overnight.

I felt empowered about the idea of travelling solo and proving that I can take care of myself; showing myself that I am stronger, braver, and more capable than I think. The hope was that this trip would make me more connected with the dragon, but now I’m worried it’s going to do the exact opposite.

When I think about the trip, I honestly cannot even picture doing it. Maybe that’s perfectly fine, but for some reason it scares me. Maybe it means I’m not ready. Then again, maybe the only way you really get those clear pictures of yourself is by doing the things you are trying to imagine. I certainly have no issues imagining myself panicking 😉

doubt

I haven’t felt particularly strong lately, certainly not as strong as I wanted to feel before taking this trip. I want this to be a good, healthy, empowering experience, and I’m worried that if I go and end up feeling like shit that it will only perpetuate the belief that I can’t do this. I’ll never be able to travel again. I’ll never be okay alone. I’ll never be able to take care of myself.

Is this just fear that I should push through or a sign that I’m truly not ready that shouldn’t be ignored?

Not To Go. What does that accomplish? As much as I can wish that I never found out about this retreat or had the idiotic idea to sign up for it, the reality is that it is already in my mind (and now you all know about it) so at this point it would really feel like I’m backing out of it. And doesn’t that also prove and perpetuate the belief that I can’t be alone/travel/all those things I’m worried might happen if I go and fail? Doesn’t backing out just mean I fail before I even try?

..or is it protecting me from a bigger fall?

This incessant game of mental pong is driving me mad. I don’t know what the right answer is, but it seems my only option at this point is to go.

neverknow

To Go.

Take the leap and see what happens.

 

 

6 thoughts on “To Go or Not To Go”

  1. Go! You go, Mindful Dragon! I, myself, am fighting the same battles (although mine hinge more upon the what-ifs of falling down the stairs preventing me from being able to go on my trip bc, yay, travel insurance) with my big solo euro trip just on the horizon. The key for me so far has been reminding myself to trust the plan I put into motion. I mean, literally and verbally, “No, you will trust your plan and let it play out for now.” I figure if I was bold enough to plan it, then I’m bold enough to do it. Your inner dragon is smart and wouldn’t put you in harms way. Even if it’s hard, and you’re not at your imagined most perfect self, you trust in yourself, your plan, your preparation, your coping strategies, the universe, and to be surrounded by likeminded people. It will be great, Mindful Dragon, of that I have no doubt. With love, support and belief. xo

    1. LMM, I love how you worded “trust your plan”. If I put more confidence in the part of me who decided to sign up for this (instead of damn her haha) then maybe I will have more confidence in my ability to do it (like you say, If I was bold enough to plan it, then I’m bold enough to do it). I will keep that in mind on my journey. So proud of you for going on your trip, I’m thinking of you and can’t wait to hear all about your adventures! xo

  2. Yes, you must go, you are so much stronger than you will ever believe and your amazing personality will melt the hearts of any person you encounter along the road there and back, that I know for sure.

    Just remember when you are feeling uncomfortable and fearful you are actually growing as a person. Just go through it to the other side and an amazing life awaits you!

    I had do the same except it was a trip for work in another country but once I did it my confidence grew and now I am back to loving to travel. Follow your heart and you will never get lost on this journey we call life!

  3. Go! Go! Go! It’s so exciting that you have this opportunity to go, and I know that you can tackle this as the dragon that you are and that you are forming. What a neat chance to be alone with yourself, and to investigate who you are becoming. If there is one thing that you’ve been teaching is that it’s okay to open yourself up to vulnerability. Doing this trip is embrassing vulnerability and a great leap. Besides, not doing it only proves a negative. You have nothing to loose by not going, but so much more to gain by going!!! Can’t wait to hear about it!

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