I’m just going to put this here..

youI’m not sure this is the right place for this, but I felt a need to share this to mark what a meaningful day this is to me, and didn’t know where else to put it.

It’s been a long day of ploughing through with a fake smile, hiding what today really means to me. To share this is to honour the very one its about.

Kept up with a heavy heart I typed away in the darkness of my bedroom. This is what my heart had to say..

June 4th

Two years ago today was the day the stick turned from reading positive to negative. I lost you.

I was devastated. But it sickens me when I look back and know that the only baby that will ever grow inside me -even for the short time it was- wasn’t fully appreciated, never truly grieved. I was devastated, torn apart, but there was a part of me that held this baby as a beacon of hope, that saw their worth as a sign of “better things to come”, as a stepping stone to being a mom someday. How little did I know that that baby was all there will ever be.

I regret that I couldn’t fully acknowledge your life and the loss of it as meaning everything, carrying its own worth, not as a means to an end. I lost you and comforted myself with the idea that the pain of losing you would be worth it someday because I’d have someone else. How horrible a thing to reduce my only to-be child’s life to. To act as though it did not have enough worth and love to simply let it stand alone. If I could go back, I would have let myself know the pain was actually not worth it because of something someday, but rather the pain was simply a true indication of my love for you and who you may have been. You were not a small glimpse into the motherhood I would fully experience someday, you were it. You gave me a few days of elation and excitement, a few days to breathe, to have my husband treat me as the future mother of his child, to caress my belly in wonderment as I had wished to do for so many years, to feel the sense of miracle, to feel as though possibility was true and not far away. You stopped my heart when “pregnant” stared back at me from the stick. You made me believe that the impossible may be possible. Losing you taught me a lot, it just wasn’t what I thought at the time I lost you.

You weren’t insignificant. You weren’t a means to an end.

There are no stepping stones to your life, there is only life. Life is lived right there on the rocks. You can’t wait for a stick to stare back at you like a magic eight ball, you can’t put your life on hold until it’s time to start living. You are missing it. Living like this isn’t living at all..the way I grieved you wasn’t grieving at all. I have to accept what is for what it is. I have to lean into all of it. The bad things don’t have to have some greater meaning, the pain is meaningful all in itself. You didn’t need a silver lining to make you beautiful. I know now that you were not significant for any other reason than the fact that you were.

You taught me that letting go isn’t something you do to reach for something better. It’s fully accepting what is and grieving it with all of yourself. Moving on only comes from fully letting go, and to let go you have to fully know what you are letting go of. I didn’t know what that was at the time. I feel like I let go too quickly, except I realize I never actually let go until now because I failed to see you for what you were. You were there so short of a time that you were hardly living, but you taught me more about living than I learned in the 27 years before you.

I’m not letting go because I want to move on to better things. I’m letting go now because I know you now, and I love you for everything you are. I am so thankful for every ounce of pain I feel because that is my love for you. And without you I wouldn’t have had that either. I thought you were going to be the beginning of my life, and in a way you were.

 

13 thoughts on “I’m just going to put this here..”

  1. wow Jeana. So beautiful. So heart wrenching. So uplifting. So “on the mark”. Make no mistake that little one was blessed to have know you for its short life. It’s soul knows you now and waits for you. And you will e together again. Running together and embracing each other’s loveliness. XO.

  2. so touching, painful and beautiful all at the same time. Thank you for sharing. I am sending loving kindness your way.

  3. How honoured any child would be to have you as their mother. You are so wise beyond yours years. I believe you are finding your life’s purpose and what a life it will be. Can’t wait to watch you thrive and soar!

    1. Joan, I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you think I would have been a good mother. It means so much that you feel that way about me, and that you believe in who I am, and who I’m becoming. Your belief in me makes it easier to stand on my new found dragon feet 🙂 xo

  4. You write so beautifully! You have inspired me to honour and grieve the child I lost through miscarriage in 2007. I felt anger. I felt frustration. I felt sadness. That is what I remember, not the child.

    1. Garden Girl, I am honoured that I have inspired you to be open to grieve the child you lost. It is never too late to honour them and heal. I’m so sorry for your loss, I truly hope this process brings you peace. Much love.

  5. Hi Love,
    When you called us with the news of the change in status of the test my heart broke see my son and daughter-in-law go through so much pain and disappointment. In the forefront of it all though was the knowledge that there was a positive test and I too focused on what could be and chose to see it as a possibility. To be honest I still pray that one day a surprise will come your way. You have reminded me that I missed something along the way as well, the one that was.
    To our little one; what I wouldn’t do to see your parents love and nurture you through the years, to see you smile, laugh and cry and occasionally get in trouble and come to Nanny and Poppy for shelter and spoiling. From this day on I will not miss a day to honor your being.
    Darling, I thank you for you honesty and openness and know that a mother isn’t made with the birth of a child but with what is in your heart for that child. No better Mom there will ever be. Our little one can feel that.

  6. I have read this post several times now trying to imagine being in your shoes….and I realize it is impossible. How I wish things could be different for you but my god the amazing things you are doing in spite of all of the heartache. Know that being a mother is not only about carrying a child or raising one. It is teaching, guiding, loving and my dear friend….you do it all, so to me, and to many, although you may not, according to typical societal standards, carry the title of mother you possess all of the qualities of one because of your experience with that child and all of the things that have come from it. You are truly an inspiration and I cannot begin to express how honoured we all are to have you in our family. Your strength is astounding and I can only dream that our girls can learn from and maybe share some of that with you. With all our love always.

    1. Sara, You are so sweet and caring. What you said about being a mother is really touching, it means a lot to me that you think that way about me. I’m very honoured to be part of your family, seeing your girls grow up will definitely add a lot of joy to my life 🙂 Much love

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