Lately things are feeling shaky. Some days I feel solid, other days I can barely keep my balance. It’s made me curious about how I can go from feeling stronger than ever, to lower than I have in a long time, in a matter of days..or hours. By leaning into this with curiosity I think I’ve had some insight.
I am a puzzle.
Before my puzzle seemed complete but it didn’t make a pretty picture.
I always believed this was because my puzzle was inherently defective.
Now that I’ve looked closer I can see pieces jammed in the wrong spots.
Maybe it’s not a defective puzzle but a poorly constructed one.
Once you see the faults its uncomfortable to just leave them.
So I deconstruct.
Piece by piece I take it apart.
I’m now only a partly put together puzzle.
It’s terrifying to feel so undone.
But I have the sight and tools to build it better now.
To make the pretty picture that’s been there all along.
I’m still far from complete.
But the pieces that are in place feel more solid than ever before.
In order to rebuild, we must first deconstruct. We need to be willing to dig deep if we want to see real change. This means being willing to see things you’ve been ignoring and others you didn’t even know were there. What I’ve realized lately is that there are things I didn’t just sweep under the rug – I tore up the floorboards, stuffed it in, nailed it down, covered that up with a rug, and walked away. Since I’m committed to see this life transformation thing through, it’s clearly time to pry up floorboards.
The problem is this in between. I’m partly undone, while part of me is built stronger than ever. It can be great, it can be horrible; it is unstable and uncomfortable. But it is necessary.
I guess this makes sense why some days I feel I’m on solid ground while other times the ground shakes beneath me. In this moment I am both solid and broken.
The whole self transformation process has dug up more than I ever expected when I picked up the shovel. But I like to believe these pieces only come apart when we have the strength to endure it and the ability to rebuild.
I am a puzzle.
But I am not just falling apart. I am deconstructing. I am rebuilding.