Going All In

When I was setting up my website, I started with the “About Me” page. I started by writing about the details of my life, the nitty gritty of what lead me to transform my life, and then I reconsidered. Thoughts rushed through my head; “Maybe I don’t want people to know that much about me”, “Who knows who will end up reading this”, and my all time favourite, “People don’t want to hear this”. So I started over, writing about the good things that have come out of the transformation process for me, what I’m focused on now, the end goals, and the reasons I believe they are worth striving for. All rainbows and unicorns, nothing to make a reader uncomfortable, it’s all smiles here.

Then it came time to write my first blog post and I put this off for days weeks, telling myself it was because I couldn’t figure out what to start writing about. I looked over my main goals (in my life, as well as ideas I hope to focus on in this blog); authenticity, practicing vulnerability, tribe, connection, mindfulness, living my values. So I started to write, but I stopped myself. “Wait, I can’t include that, I decided not to include those personal details”. I heard it as soon as the words left my mouth. Before even starting my blog I had already strayed from my values, already lost sight of what it was really about, doing the exact opposite of what I was writing – out of fear. I had convinced myself that I just didn’t know what I wanted to start writing; but no wonder I couldn’t write, how do you write a blog about authenticity without being authentic?

I sat back and stared at the front page, “It’s time to emerge from our caves and own who we are”. How did I ever expect to write about this stuff while I hide in my cave, only pretending to be a dragon?

johnstewart

It was clear. I had to commit to going all in. If I was going to do this, I had to own my stories, own who I am. Not hide away, not censor the details that leave me vulnerable. Not assume what the readers want to hear. If I am committed to live as a dragon, I cannot write from a place of fear.

And so, I’m jumping in head first. I’m still afraid. Terrified, actually (cue the eye twitch). But it also feels powerful, liberating, and exciting.

First lesson learned.. Turns out living as a dragon isn’t as simple as picking a domain name.

 

I’m proud to say I’ve added My Journey  (be warned- it’s not a quick read).

10 thoughts on “Going All In”

  1. I agree that often the idea of what you want to be, and actually putting it into practice can be a lot harder than what is initially imagined. I guess that’s where the mindfulness comes into play. You have to take a step back and actively work to ensure your actions actually are what you want yourself to reflect. It can be so much easier to think about something than to actually do it. Good point.

    1. Seashines, You’re right – It really is a daily practice of making decisions to align with your values. Not always easy, but I can say at least so far in my journey, always worth it. Thanks for reading!

  2. This whole virtual space you have created is absolutely beautiful. It is inspiring and no doubt healing for many who read about your story, your struggle, and your courage to live as a dragon. Thank you for offering such a gift to the world. <3

    1. Christy, Thank you so much for your kind words and support. Your feedback and encouragement add so much to this experience, and helps make it easier to continue sharing. Thank you <3

  3. Bravo!!! “Courage is not the absence of fear, but acting despite the fear.” And if something bothers others, I always remind myself “that’s their stuff.” 🙂 Two big thumbs up for all the amazing steps you’ve taken on your journey. 🙂

  4. Well written MindfulDragon.
    We all know about stigma but the concept of ‘self-stigma’ is less well documented. We are our own harshest critics and this is often what stops us from seeking or accepting help. So we end up stigmatising ourselves without even going outside our head.
    You are so right about the comparison thing. Alan de Botton calls this ‘status anxiety’.

    (In response to: Hard is Hard. Complain about Broccoli and Hang Up on Insurance Scams)

    1. I’ve definitely made my fair share of mistakes when trying to support others, but through this process I realized just how horrible I’ve been to myself -like you said, definitely our own harshest critics. An exercise that really drove this home for me was a question posed in the ACT group – “If you talked to a toddler the way you talk to yourself, how well would that toddler do?” I find myself repeating the mantra “DON’T BEAT UP THE TODDLER!” Thank you for your continued support Aisling!

      (In response to: Hard is Hard. Complain about Broccoli and Hang Up on Insurance Scams

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